It's not uncommon to encounter Indonesians who are obsessed with urging others to get married. At every wedding or family gathering, this legendary question almost inevitably arises. It's as if, if we don't get married soon, the person asking will be cursed.

 

On average, Indonesians do consider marriage to have a deadline. Even reaching the age of 30 is considered too old to get married, especially for women. But why do Indonesians feel compelled to urge others to marry quickly?

 

Different Generations, Different Views on Marriage

Getting married young is considered normal in Indonesia, as shown in a 2020 survey where the majority of Indonesian women marry at a young age: 48.59% between the ages of 19-24, 26.55% between 16-18, and 8.19% between 7-15. 

 

 

For decades, the traditional life path has seemed clear: be born, go to school, get a job, get married, and then have children. If someone strays even slightly from this path, perhaps by working for a long time without finding a partner, they are often bombarded with questions like, "When will you get married?" After marriage, the questions shift to "When will you have children?" and continue relentlessly with "When will you have another child?" "When will you have grandchildren?" and "When will your child get married?"

 

Some marriages are arranged to reduce the financial burden on parents, while others involve couples deemed capable of living independently. Many are encouraged to marry and have children as soon as possible, driven by the belief that more children bring more blessings. For these reasons, marriage is often viewed as a solution to various problems. If you’re unhappy with your job, just get married. If parents can't afford to support their children, it’s time to marry them off!

 

However, many young people are rejecting early marriage. Women, who were once pressured to chase their "biological clock", are increasingly opting to delay marriage. Instead of focusing on having children at a young age, many are prioritizing career, education, economic stability, and self-development instead. Additionally, there is a growing awareness that marriage and raising children should not be undertaken carelessly or hastily. The prevailing idea is that starting a family should only happen when one is fully prepared, as the consequences are lifelong.

 

Seeing friends start to get married and have children can indeed make young people feel a sense of FOMO, especially since marriage is often considered a personal achievement. This makes people feel left behind if those around them are already married. The danger is that this can lead to stress and hastily arranged marriages. Early marriages that are not carefully planned in terms of mental and economic readiness, or with the right partner, often end in regret and conflicts that lead to divorce. According to Statistics Indonesia, divorce cases in Indonesia reached 447,743 in 2021, an increase of 53.50% compared to 2020. Disputes between spouses were the most common reason, accounting for 279,205 cases.

 

When Should You Stop Urging Marriage?

Whether you're someone who enjoys urging others to marry or someone who feels the pressure to marry quickly, it's better to rethink this approach. Marriage shouldn't be seen as a competition. According to the National Population and Family Planning Board (BKKBN), the ideal minimum age for marriage is 21 for women and 25 for men. Summarizing various surveys and studies, the divorce rate can drop by up to 50% if individuals marry at the age of 25 or older compared to marrying in their early twenties. Each year of delaying marriage reduces the risk percentage.

 

"If you marry young, emotions are highly unstable. They can easily explode, making arguments much more intense. The way they express complaints can also differ from a more mature partner. As a result, resolving issues can be more complicated. Not to mention if they already have children. All of this requires maturity," explains family psychologist Anna Surti Ariani, S.Psi. M.​ 

 

According to Anna, couples planning for marriage must understand the following:

-How to build a healthy marital relationship and communication

-How to prepare for childbirth and child-rearing

-How to manage finances well

-Legal regulations concerning family and marriage

 

Marriage is not something that can be adequately prepared for in a short time. Frequently asking "When will you get married?" can create a culture of rushed marriages and increase the risk of divorce. Let's break this cultural norm and allow individuals to marry when they are truly ready, both mentally and economically, ensuring healthier and more stable marriages.